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Toilet Tales

For your Friday entertainment.

The following is a script for a short film. The entire story takes place in a bathroom. It’s a juicy little tale about a bunch of 20-somethings and their dramas. Enjoy!

TOILET TALES
INT. BATHROOM – DAY
Inside a large, funky, colorful, bathroom of a student type house, Arlee is busy cleaning. She is 23 years old, loving, energetic, and always the hostess. The bathroom is filled with products, his and hers, magazines and comic books, and is very cozy. Jacob, 27, patient, playful and easygoing, Arlee’s boyfriend whom she lives with, enters.
ARLEE
(Hearing Jacob come in)
Hey sugar.
JACOB
(Looking down at Arlee’s panties peeking out from under her jeans as she scrubs the floor)
Ummmm plumber’s bum.

ARLEE
(Giving Jacob a look)
I know… Why don’t you help me?

Jacob gets on top of Arlee who is busy scrubbing the floor. He turns her over and they kiss on the wet floor.
ARLEE
You realize people will be here soon.
JACOB
They’re always late, especially your friends.
ARLEE
(Laughing)
Right… Are Kevin and Sarah even coming? I don’t know if Sarah will let Kevin out to play with us.
JACOB
They said they would be here.
ARLEE
So we get to meet the famous Zoë tonight.
JACOB
Zoë?
ARLEE
(Hitting him)
Mike’s new girlfriend.
JACOB
Ohhhh. The model. Does what’s her face know she’ll be here?
ARLEE
Can you not call my best friend what’s her face please.
JACOB
You know who I mean.
ARLEE
Still it sounds so derogative. She’s your friend too.
JACOB
Oh don’t take a suck. It doesn’t mean anything. I call everyone what’s your face.
ARLEE
Anyway. Lisa knows Zoë’ll be here. She promised not to make a scene. We are all going to be nice to the new girl.
JACOB
I’ll be especially nice. Model will feel right at home.
Arlee grabs Jacob’s boxers and pulls them up as high as she can giving him a wedgie. Jacob squeals like a girl and fights Arlee off. They kiss again and Jacob leaves pulling his underwear out of his butt.
JACOB CONT.
I’ll go check on the food.
ARLEE
No Eating!
FADE TO BLACK
INT. BATHROOM – EARLY EVENING
Bathroom clean and shiny, the door opens and Lisa, 24, hyper, emotional, pessimistic, an alcoholic and Arlee’s best friend, bursts in wearing one shirt and carrying another. Arlee stands in the doorway.
LISA
So I couldn’t decide which one was better so I brought both. You have to tell me which one works. I’m thinking this one might be a little too flashy.
ARLEE
I like it. You should go with some colour. You always wear black.
LISA
(Taking off the one shirt unabashedly and trying on the other black one)
I do not. Well how bout this one. Is it sexy enough?
ARLEE
Are you trying to pick up tonight?
LISA
I just wouldn’t mind looking hot tonight. I know I’m not model material but…
ARLEE
Lis, You two broke up months ago. You don’t need to compete.
LISA
I know we broke up and I know it wouldn’t have worked
(Picking up a perfume bottle and smelling it)
out anyway but I just want to remind him of what he is missing…has lost.
(Motioning to the bottle)
I know it’s your favorite but can I use a little?
ARLEE
(Nodding)
I think you look awesome. I love your cleavage.
LISA
Not bad huh? I bet waify has no boobs.
Arlee rubs Lisa’s back and leaves. Lisa gives a smile to the mirror which turns into a sad face. She picks up her drink, gives a cheers to the mirror and downs it. She hears a male voice in the hallway and exits.
FADE TO BLACK

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Mr. Good Enough????

So this whole “Settle for Mr. Good Enough” advice being spewed by basically single women pushing forty who want babies and think back, romantically in a hindsight is 20-20 kind of way, on Billy and his University letterman jacket and that despite his penchant for funneling beer he probably would have been a great husband and dad….is really making me feel ill.

Have you ever read an article saying: “Hey, men, stop being choosy, downgrade because you don’t want to be alone.” Come on. I mean some of these articles are telling women not to care if the guy has really bad breath, if he shares your values. Ya, that’s all that matters. Right. And if you never have sex, share a cuddle, or even a close conversation ever again, it wont matter because you both wanted two kids, a boy and a girl, and a four door sedan, colour grey.

Romantic love is not dead. And sure, not everyone is going to meet their dreamboat but really, is giving up and settling for the guy you’re seeing when you think it might be time to “settle down” a smart move? The advice being barfed out by said spinsters is that online is where it’s at to find a partner of equal ideals and values. Here’s a second opinion: GET OFF THE INTERNET. You cannot custom order romance. Your ideal lover does not exist in the boxes that you check. You probably don’t know what you want, need or will be attracted to. I think Internet dating is a big sham. Not to say that some couples do not find eachother online and make it work, but for most: Disaster. And why…..???? Because we don’t know what is best for us when it comes to romance.

So many of my female friends think they know exactly what the “right” guy for them is like. He’s tall, blond, has two degrees, lives downtown, has a car, has traveled extensively, is close to his mother and has a dog – for example. Ummmmm fuck. Talk about being narrow minded. Maybe the perfect guy for this girl is a huge hippie, orphan, artist, who has never left the country. He digs her power career and worldliness, she comes to love his backrubs and marijuana cookies. They live perfectly and happily ever after. Because he wasn’t ordered to go online.

I just have this theory that as we get older we become so picky, so set in our ways. I have spoken to friends who went on dates and ended relationships for the most ridiculous reasons. One friend never called a guy again because he showed up for dinner with her and he had already eaten. Gee, what a loser. Maybe the guy had to eat at an after work ordeal. Maybe he had low blood sugar and couldn’t wait for the date. Maybe he was hungry and didn’t want to be Mr. Grumpy Bear. Who cares. But all the talk of the first minutia moves that a guy makes are so ridiculous. Remember the old adage: opposites attract. I’m a believer. And I don’t think we can chose a guy like we chose a pizza. Sure you think the thin crust is healthier and ham the only meat for you, but have you really ever tried chicken with the barbecue sauce and splurged for the extra cheese? And what about hot peppers? Never thought you like that kind of heat jazzing up your pizza did you?

And trust me, even if a guy shares the same values (mini barf) as you, if he can’t make your toes curl in bed, or heart swell with a great conversation, or make you proud to be at his side when you walk down the street: Good Luck. Mr. Good Enough will make you feel like Mrs. Settled and the two of you will live ever after in Mediocrity. But hey, at least you’ll have children. Little Boring and her younger brother Mundane.

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Funky Find Friday: Fornarina shoes

Ummmmmm….shoes.

These Italian beauties are just too hot. Pink and sequined. I Looooovvvveeee them. The Fornarina sport selection is especially fabulous. Not too expensive and nice quality. 

Check them out!

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Ten Kick-ass Documentaries you should really check out

1) The Corporation: If you haven’t already seen it, check out this Canadian masterpiece on big business. Visually stimulating with incredible journalistic integrity, this film looks at all sides and interviews experts both for and against the current business models in our western world. The result, really quite mindblowing and extremely informative. NOT TO MISS.

2) Packing Heat: Probably my all time favorite documentary. It is a National Film Board gem from back when they cared about women’s issues. Directed by Wendy Rowland, the doc is about guns, America and the marketing of fear and empowerment to sell guns to women.  

3) The Boys of Baraka: This awesome doc from the same team that brought you the Academy Award nominated yet vastly inferior Jesus Camp, is about poor black youth in Baltimore who are given a chance to study, and develop, in Africa. AMAZING. Really reveals how much potential children have and how much of an influence negative and positive environments can have.

4) Ghosts of Abu Graib: This mainly talking head documentary provides shocking insight into the torture scandal at Abu Graib. By interviewing the soldiers involved, the film really goes beyond holding a few young Americans responsible for the reprehensible acts. The doc goes on to prove that the U.S. Military as a whole, Donald Rumsfeld and President Bush were responsible for the torture of the prisoners and for the changes in policy that allowed for the abuses. Also note the amazing sound quality. 

5) War Photographer: A look at journalism and photography in a war zone. Very compelling and graphic. Makes you think about what journalists go through, and risk, to bring us the news from the front lines.

6) Abduction, The Megumi Yakota Story: A truly fascinating story involving probably our worlds most secretive country: North Korea. I don’t want to give too much away, but it has all the elements of even the best fictional spy and espionage movies. Will rock your world.

7) So much, So Fast: An extremely tragic but moving story of a young man who has ALS and his family who fight so hard to help him. Sheds some light on the difficulty in finding treatments for such horrific diseases but also demonstrates how much technology can help the disabled. 

8 ) The Thin Blue Line: Personally, I think this doc is Errol Morris’ best. It is a small slice of life that really demonstrates how easily a man can be wrongfully convicted and sentenced to die in America. Very stylized and unique.

9) Estrellas de la Linea/The Railroad All Stars: A really fast paced, modern documentary about a group of  prostitutes in Guatemala who start a soccer team to raise awareness for their unbelievable plights.  

10) Through a blue lens: This documentary was made possible by a group of police officers working in downtown east side Vancouver. They wanted to talk to the addicts, the knew quite well, and have them help make a film to caution teens about drug use. Truly groundbreaking and profound. Sadly, it was deemed too disturbing for most schools. I think it is the best cautionary tail about Heroine available anywhere. 

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Link between vaccines and autism

A new study, and the most comprehensive ever done, reveals that there is a link between exposure to mercury from Thimerosal Vaccines and autism. 

Read the report at Pharmalot.com

It is insane how many research roadblocks were set up by both the government and the pharmaceutical company. It’s time to get to the bottom of this. 

 

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Canadian Beer Commercials

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Canadian Beer: A Part of Our Heritage

  The following is a little academic but it is an interesting analysis of how Beer commercials have tried to foster and create a Canadian identity.  

Canada has no cultural unity, no linguistic unity, no religious unity, no economic unity, no geographic unity.  All it has is unity.

– Kenneth Boulding, University of Michigan professor of economics (1957).

            The question is nearly as old as the nation itself: what does it mean to be Canadian?  How do we, as Canadian people define ourselves, define our country, and differentiate ourselves from others?  How do we, people spread across a vast geography, originating from diverse lands and cultures, come together to form a unique identity that we can all call our own?  How do we define a home in Canada that can house us all?  The search for answers also began long ago and, arguably, in an increasingly global environment, has gained momentum in the last decade.  The literature is building, the concern manifesting itself across politics and policy.  Should we stop the American penetration into our country?  Should we attempt to encourage a less diversified population?  Should we promote a sense of history from which to be proud?  Or, should we head up to the cottage, grab a Canadian brew, turn on some hockey, and brag about how cold it is outside?  Now before you dismiss this suggestion as absurd, I propose you give it some thought.  Does such an environment not define, somehow, something, about what it means to be Canadian? 

Ian Angus, in his book A Border Within: National Identity, Cultural Plurality, and Wilderness, states: “society is understood, not as an objectively existing structure that can be studied apart from social consciousness, but as something that is constituted through the practices of social actors whereby they identify with selected aspects of their social world” (21).  Thus maybe the cottage-country goin’, beer drinkin’, hockey watchin’, winter lovin’ Canuck, may have something important to teach us about our society, eh!  While this may all seem quite ridiculous, I propose that it is not.  There is something very unique about Canada and being Canadian, and somewhere within the stereotypes and ironies there exists important meaning for why Canada can be defined through such images.  You don’t believe me!  Well, maybe you should talk to the folks down at Molson and Labatt breweries and ask them how their add campaigns are going.  You see, the guys down there are somewhat ahead of the politicians and intellectual elite in their efforts to define a Canadian identity.  They’ve done some research, and they’ve studied their audience, and I believe they’ve discovered some pretty important stuff.  I would like to explore the advertising efforts and campaigns employed by Canadian beer companies attempting to capitalize off an increased feeling of national identity among Canadian youth.  What will be demonstrated is that a Canadian identity must begin with the people, and must succeed in incorporating, and allowing the inclusion of, various diverse interpretations of what it means to be Canadian.  All this can be situated within a framework of our enjoyment of Canada, its landscape, its people, its diversity, and yes, even its beer.

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